Tulisanku

Few years ago after Ardian and I are together, I ask a question, “What is it like, the feeling you have towards me? Is it true? Is it deep? Describe it to me…” Not that I have doubt on him. It is me who doubting a person like him could fall for me. I never expected before that Ardian and I could fall for each other. I recall it wasn’t long after both Ardian and I had a broken heart. I feel I got dump by the person I use to love and Ardian’s love was turn back.

Ardian and I were good friends, and still we are. I told him about my bitterness I feel when the person I love left me. I told him about how stupid I am to falling love with that person. I told him how much I hate that person after what he had done to me. Of all this, Ardian keep on listening, patiently.

Before that, he also told me about the person he loves. At that time I was thinking, it’s too bad that she couldn’t pay back Ardian’s affection for her. But now I think, luckily she doesn’t have any affection for him. Coz’ now I know, Ardian was meant to be with me.

Well, not so long after that, we’re together, and now we’re married. Back to the time when I ask Ardian what he feels towards me, he answers me with this song call Onward from Yes. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that Ardian is used to be a fan of Jazz and classic rock.

Contains in everything I do, there’s a love I feel for you
Proclaim in everything I write, you’re the light earning brightly

Onward trough the night, onward trough the light, onward trough the light of my life

This song is very beautiful. Though it is a rock song, the lyrics and tone are very musical. The song is enriched by instruments that are really played to produce symphony. It’s beautiful!!! And so is the feeling we had for each other. I thank God that made us together…

Ada sebuah buku Asma Nadia mengenai perasaan seorang ibu. Di bukunya, Asma Nadia menulis bahwa semejak seorang ibu melahirkan, hidupnya tidak akan pernah sama lagi. Sebagian jiwa sang ibu turut terbawa saat anaknya terlahir. Maka tak heran apabila seorang ibu kerap merasa cemas jika anaknya pulang terlambat, bahkan panaroid hanya karena melihat ujung jari sang anak berdarah terkena tusukan jarum.

Aku jadi teringat suatu masa saat aku masih kecil. Saat itu aku masih duduk di bangku sekolah dasar, demikian juga dengan adikku. Kami berdua bermain-main, berputar-putar dan menari-nari di garasi rumah yang berubah fungsi menjadi dapur kedua. Karena menari berputar-putar, kepalaku menjadi pusing dan jalanku pun limbung. Akhrnya aku menabrak kusen pintu dan dahiku terbentur pinggirin grendel pintu yang tajam. Darah segar langsung mengucur dari dahilku. Merasakan cairan hangat tersebut tumpah ke wajahku, aku pun langsung memanggil Mama, begitu aku memanggil ibuku, dan berkata, ”Maaa….aku berdarah nih…”.

Mama yang melihatku berlumuran darah langsung panik. Dia menjerit memanggil namaku, menyongsongku dan terus bertanya apa yang terjadi. Saat itu sesungguhnya aku tidak begitu menyadari apa yang terjadi. Aku tahu bahwa aku terluka, tapi aku tetap merasa santai dan tenang. Namun begitu Mama menjerit ketakutan, aku pun mulai ngeh bahwa mungkin seharusnya aku juga merasa khawatir dan takut. Dan tiba-tiba entah dari mana, rasa takut menjalari diriku.

Mama langsung membimbingku ke tempat mencuci piring untuk membersihkan lukaku. Sesaat aku takut, namun setelah merasakan air yang dingin mengenai wajahku, aku seperti tersadar dan segera minta diambilkan es batu untuk mengompres sementara aku membersihkan luka dan darah di wajahku. Masih dalam keadaan panik, Mama mengambil bongkahan besar es batu dan langsung menempelkannya di atas lukaku. Luka yang terbuka langsung diterpa oleh es batu yang dingin. Aku pun mengernyit dan berkata, ”Jangan langsung Ma, ditutupin kain dulu…”.

Mama yang masih kaget langsung mengambil serbet dan melapisi es batu tersebut, kemudian mengompres lukaku sambil membantuku membersihkan wajah. Adikku yang tadi bermain denganku hanya bisa diam. Rupanya di tengah kepanikan dan kecemasan, adikku kena damprat Mamaku karena ia mengira adikku turut andil dalam ’kecelakaan’ yang kualami.

Setelah suasana agak tenang, aku menjelaskan apa yang terjadi, bahwa ini salahku sendiri. Saat itulah aku baru bisa melihat dengan jelas wajah Mama. Wajahnya pucat dan matanya terus menatapku. Pipinya basah karena air mata dan bibirnya masih sedikit bergetar. Sampai sekarang aku masih bisa mengingat secara samar kecemasan dan ketakutan yang terbayang di wajahnya. Dan aku bisa mengingat perasaan yang kurasakan, yaitu takut. Bukan takut karena aku terluka, bukan takut dimarahi Mama, aku takut karena Mama takut. Karena Mama menyimpan rasa takut akan apa-apa yang terjadi pada diriku. Seolah luka di dahiku dan darahku yang mengalir tadi adalah luka di dahinya dan aliran darahnya. Bahkan, ketakutan dan kecemasannya terhadap diriku melebihi kecemasanku sendiri.

Mungkin sejak itulah aku selalu ingat untuk menjaga diri dan mengabari bila akan pulang telat. Sebab aku tahu, rasa takut Mama untuk keselamatanku jauh lebih besar dari perasaannya untuk dirinya sendiri. Aku pun mulai tahu perasaan itu semenjak Asha hadir dalam hidupku.

Sudah nonton film ‘I Am Legend’ yang dibintangi Will Smith? Film ini bercerita tentang Kota New York di tahun 2012 yang hampir seluruh penduduknya mati akibat ‘keracunan’ virus yang tadinya dimaksudkan sebagai obat anti kanker. Obat hasil rekayasa genetika ini ternyata justru mematikan bagi si peminumnya. Sebagian besar penduduk mati, sebagin besar berubah menajdi zombie-zombie kanibal yang memburu manusia yang masih hidup hingga kahirnya tak ada yang tersisa. Kecuali Will Smith, seorang dokter Militer yang berusaha keras mencari obat penawar bagi virus tersebut.

Well, saya bukan mau bercerita mengenai film itu. Hanya saja, cerita dalam film yang disadur dari novel ini membuat saya merenungkan kejadian-kejadian yang terjadi sekarang ini.

Baru kemarin Ardian cerita bahwa pos informasi mengenai flu burung sekarang ditangani labngsung oleh depkes. Biasanya informasi di tangani oleh posko khusus yang sebenarnya juga dibawah depkes. Kesulitannya, saat tugas posko ini berpindah tangan, informasi menjadi sangat sulit untuk diverifikasi.

Contohnya, saat Ardian menghubungi bagian humas depkes yang mengeluarkan rilis bahwa sudah ada 103 orang suspect flu burung yang meninggal dunia (ini rilis baru, di tv dan kantor berita asing lainnya masih tercantum 102 orang yang meninggal), diketahui bahwa orang tersebut sebenarnya sudah meninggal sejak Sabtu (2/02/08)dan rilis baru dikeluarkan Senin, 4 Februari 2008. Artinya, informasi sepenting ini di-delay, entah disengaja atau tidak.

Saat ditanya mengapa didelay? jawabannya adalah karena tidak ada petugas yang masuk hari Sabtu (Daaaaa!!!!). Dan saat ditanya mengapa fungsi perluasan informasi itu tidak dikembalikan saja ke posko informasi flu burung seperti yang selama ini dilakukan karena posko tersebut aktif 24/7 sehingga mudah dihubungi, jawaban yang diberikan adalah tugas tersebut diambil alih karena biasanya selalu wartwan yang tahu lebih dulu, dan Depkes selalau tahu belakangan (Daaaaaaa!!!!!). Jadi kalau hari libur dan ada berita tentang flu burung gimana? Kata staf humasnya,  kalo hari libur ya enggak ada yang kerja….(AMPUUUUUUUNNN!!!!!)

Untuk tambahan informasi, dari 126 pasien suspect flu burung di Indonesia, 103 diantarannya meninggal dunia. berarti, seandainya kita terkena flu burung, kesempatan hidup kita tidak akan lebih dari 20 persen saja!

Semenatra di negara lain kondisinya sangat berbeda, yang mencapai angka 3 digit dalam kasus meninggalnya pasien flu burung itu hanya di Indonesia. Cina yang disinyalir sebagai daerah awal penyebaran virus ini pun bahkan tidak sampai 100 yang dinyatakan meninggal, walopun awalnya mereka sempat menutupi fakta ini.

Yang menyedihkan lagi, sore tadi saya sempat mendengarkan siaran radio Utan Kayu yang membahas tentang gizi buruk yang menyerang banyak warga di Lebak. Penyiarnya mengeluhkan, dan menertawakan secara miris, kenyataan bahwa saat dia berusaha menghubungi pihak depkes untuk meminta keterangan mengenai adanya gizi buruk yang sedang melanda Lebak, tidak ada staf yang bisa dimintai keterangan. Bahkan, si orang yang ditelpon mengatakan bahwa staf yang dicari tidak bisa bicara karena sedang ada ARISAN…GILLLLAAAAA! Orang-orang pada kebanjiran, pada kelaparan, pada gak punya rumah, kedinginan, kesakitan, eh, ada staf departemen pemerintahan yang harusnya mengurus malah sibuk ARISAN!!!!

Bagi saya, ini sama saja dengan kanibal. Memakan sesama manusia. Tidak ada kepedulian, bahkan bukan soal peduli, tapi tidak ada tanggung jawab. betapa masyarakat di Indonesia sangat mementingkan dirinya sendiri saja, berpandangan sempit, dan hanya mau enaknya. Melihat peristiwa2 yang terjadi, agaknya masyarakat Indonesia adalah masyarakat yang apatis, seperti layaknya Zombie, yang hanya pikir perutnya dan memuaskan nafsunya saja.

The skies are still dark. Grayish clouds are moving slowly above. The wind breeze coldly, leaving a shivering feeling trough the bones. The dried-grasses are now wet of showering rain. I can see the top of glamorous skyscrapers building from where I stand.  Their lights haven’t been shut down entirely. The lights gleam beautifully trough the mist that grows thinner. I look at my wrist watch. Fifteen pass four. It’s almost dawn.

I look back to the ground in front of me. There lay a tombstone made of white-glowing bricks. Although it is quite dark, I can still see a name with golden characters carved on it. It’s dated June 23rd 2007. Two days ago. A perfect date for a farewell. I remember two days before that date. It was the day that I finally find my way out of my long misery.

* * *

I never remember exactly when was the first time I know Worry ness. Is it when I was still small? Did we go to the same school? Did I and her live in the same neighborhood? I just couldn’t remember. All I know is that one day Worry ness suddenly showed up on me. Without introduction, I soon knew that it was her. It was Worry ness.

I didn’t mind her companionship. Thus, I never really had much friend. She always around whenever I am alone. She often sings to me. At that time, I could always hear her voice in my ears. Sometimes she sings low and slow, sometimes her whistling voice sounds like a flowing wind that goes trough my school hall. And sometimes she just sits there, smiling. I found her existence amusing.

Since then I let her follow me whenever I go. I let her go with me to the mall, I let her go with me to the dentist, and I even let her sit with me during my International Communication exams. Everything goes well between me and her. Until one day when she started to take everything from me.

Even though I had already sense something weird from Worry ness, by then, I hadn’t realized how dangerous she could be. The first sign was when I had my first date during my college time. I’ve been asked to go out with this guy I had a crush with since I was in high school. Of course, my heart was jumping with joy. I never go on a date before. And the guy who asked me was the one that filling my head with his face every night and day.

This date might have been once in-a-life-time chances. Considering that I ‘m not a popular girl. So it had to be perfect. During the day I was busy juggling trough my closet and searching the perfect clothe to wear. Of course, Worry ness was there sitting on my bed. I had told her earlier that this time I couldn’t take her with me. Hey, it’s a date. Who would’ve brought other person during a date, unless it’s double date??

And since it’s not a double date, I told Worry ness to stay home. She was not happy on this. She was looking at me, irritated. I promise her that I’ll tell her everything that was going on during the date. I once read in a teen-novel that girlfriend usually share stories on what they do during a date. I thought this thing would probably cheer Worry ness. But she kept silent.

I didn’t realize Worry ness strange grins when my prince picks me up at 7 pm. I looked again at my reflection on the mirror. The rainbow-colored skirt I use feels a bit tight on my waist. I sure have to loose some fat there. Even tough is not very comfy to use that squeezing skirt, I still wear it because it makes me look cheerful and radiant than usual. It makes me feel pretty. Then I said goodbye to Worry ness and that I’ll be back soon.

The date was going on great. That guy was exactly what I always wanted. He was handsome, smart, kind, and loveable. Of course I never expected that this guy would ask me out. I’m nobody, not popular, and had no friend. While, this guy was an idol, he was activist in campus, he was elected the head of student council, and he often rewarded for his academic achievements. He could easily pick any of the pretty and sexy girls that line up to be his girl friend. I was so happy.

But everything goes ruin when Worry ness showed up. When I got back to the toilet after we were finish seeing the movies, I look for my prince in the parking lot. I heard some hissing sound inside my prince’s car. And there, under the shadow inside the car, I found them. Worry ness together with my prince! She was embracing him tightly and kissing him. I was shocked! I was looking at both of them, unbelieving the scene I had in front of me. 

On a moment, I stood silent and couldn’t make a sound. Then Worry ness faces turns to me. I saw a cunning smile on her white-paling face. Suddenly I found my self running away from the parking lot, away from the fact I just found. I ran and ran and ran. I stopped for a moment and taking my 5 cm heel-shoes off and continue running. I felt I have to keep on running so I can prevent my self from thinking about Worry ness and my prince. My foot were aching and bleeding since I’m running using nothing. In my head, spinning the same words over and over. Worry ness and my prince. Worry ness and my prince. Worry ness and my prince. Worry ness and my prince. They’re together!

When I got home, I found Worry ness was waiting for me. I ask her how could she do that to me. It was my ultimate dream to be with my prince. She had destroyed my dream. I told her that I hate her and I never wanted to talk to her, ever again.

Worry ness said that there’s nothing to get worried about. Then she smile and laugh. I stare at her, hopeless. I couldn’t believe what I just heard. How could everything be okay for me after all that’s happened? So I sent her away from my home; I locked the door, and spent the rest of the night making my pillow soaking wet.

* * *

In the morning, I was surprised to find Worry ness already sit beside me. She brings me a plate full of my favorite breakfast. Scramble eggs, toast, beef pepper-sausages, French-fries, and also a pile of pancakes with melting-butter and syrup. She also prepared orange juice and a glass full of creamy milk, and added a scoop of vanilla ice cream with biscuit for the dessert. To put back my strength, she said.

I keep on silence, watching every dishes she brought me. My heart was still aching for the other night. If she thinks she can bribe me with all of that food, then she was wrong. She said to me that she was sorry and that she was already taking care of everything for me. Then she took some curing balm and scrub it trough my wounded foot.

Then my cell phone rings. It’s from my prince. Worry ness takes the initiative to go out from my room. After she’s out of sight, I answer the phone cautiously. I heard my prince cheerful voice across the line. He was telling me how he couldn’t sleep thinking of me and my kisses. He told me how great I am and wonder when we could go out again.

After putting of the phone, I saw Worry ness smile to me. I still couldn’t believe what I had heard Was my prince forgetting what had happen last night? That he was smooching around with Worry ness, not me!! But the relieve feeling because he did not forget about me, wipe every sadness I felt. So I called Worry ness to sit next to me and share the breakfast. Soon, we become good friends again. I forgive Worry ness. And it took long for me to finally realize that that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever done.

After that event, Worry ness never refuse or hesitate whenever I ask her not to come with me. She was obedient. So I go out more often with my prince. We apparently fit each other. And since I go out with my prince, other people in campus started to realize my existence. I gain more friends, I become active students. Every day I go early and I got home late. I never had a chance to talk to Worry ness. She also seems to be disappearing. And I don’t mind, coz I already had a great life without her.

* * *

It was a dark-rainy day. I have graduated, and so was my prince. We were married two years after that. My career as an interior designer in a Consultant Firm was rising. So was my husband who works in a prestigious news paper as a senior reporter.

In that gloomy day with heavy rain, Worry ness showed up again. I remember exactly. Worry ness came to me in the middle of the night. She was standing beside my bed. I woke up because of some strange feeling. And there I saw her, under the lightning beam on my dark room. Her body was soaking wet. She was staring at me. I ask what had happen to her. Then I gave her a towel and lean her to the kitchen. Luckily my husband was away out of town to do some reporting.

After sat her near the heater and made her some herbal tea, I asked what brings her again to me, and why and where did she go for the last couple of years. She didn’t answer. She looked at me intensely. She said she came back because she was worried of me. She said she had watch over me all this long and that everything I had done in my life was a mistake. She said I was leading to destruction and she came to stop me.

I was stunned with what she said. How could that be? Then she stand, and walking around my house. I followed her and start touring her trough the house. I think my house was one of the great. It was mostly made of wood, with polished wooden floor and wooden stairs and doors. It was spacious, with a kitchen, a living room where I put a home entertainment set, a mini dining room, a reading room with a personal library. This house had four rooms upstairs, and one nurse room on the first floor. Me and my husband use one of the room in the second floor. The one with a big window where I can view the grass field where the neighborhood kids use to play soccer.

Then she stopped and grabs my arms tightly. She said to me – almost screaming – that my life were only as good as dream. My husband didn’t really love me. He was gone not to do some reporting, but spent times with other woman. She said I’d grown too fat and that my husband hated the way I look. People in my office were trying to get rid off me because I was so stupid to fulfill any assignments. She said my families were always thought of me as a pain-in-the ass. They were happy when I was getting married because they wouldn’t have to see my disgusting face anymore. They didn’t have to hear me whining because of simple things. She said that they think I might as good as dead than make their life miserable.

I can’t believe what she said. I told her that she was lying. She was jealous for my perfect live. I tried to grab her, but she slipped away. She ran and I go after her. I can hear her squeaking laugh. And then in the living room, I saw her hugging my husband, just the way she once did. And then I scream and scream, and everything went black.

* * *

Since then, I had live in terror. She was always visiting me. Usually at night when my husband wasn’t home. Then she came whenever she wanted to, in the morning and in the afternoon. She told me that Cynthia, my colleague, was trying to sabotage my work. She was jealous because my boss was so fond of me. So she ripped of my blue print on the night before I have to do a presentation to a client. Not just she ripped the old version that I wasn’t gonna use because I had several mistake while drawing it, she also stole the revise version. So my office had to let go the client.

She also told me I was too fat. She said that people around looked at my body with disgust. So she made me throw up every time I had finished eating. She said that people hated a body that looks like mine. In several months after that, I grow skinnier. I eat only a piece of vegetables, and only once a day. 

My family and my husband started to get worried on me. They forced me to eat, and they keep a strict eye on me. But Worry ness was never absence on seeing me, not even a single day.  I could do nothing because she always able to convince me that everything she said was true. That I need to get skinnier, that my colleague was trying to get rid of me, that my husband had another woman, and my families thought me as garbage. That their concern was a camouflage. Worry ness said my families wanted me to die and so was my husband so he can live with that other woman.

I started to believe everything Worry ness said. She said that my husband put some poison in my food, so I throw away every food he brought to me. Slowly I began weaker. I couldn’t maintain my job, plus I always had a fight with my colleague for they all disliked me. Then my husband took me to a shrink. Worry ness said he’s trying to make me and other people believe that I was crazy so he could get rid of me. I began to argue with him. I said that he was trying to put me away because he had another woman.

This situation continues for years. I become more and more suspicious on other people. I stop reading papers, I stop hanging out, I stop talking to my husband and my other families. My husband asked me for a divorce because he said he couldn’t stand living that way with me. I refuse and I locked my self in my room. I sent away every doctor that came to me. Until one day, after stop eating for more than a month, I fainted.

When I was awake, I found my self lying in a bed covered with white clean sheet. I could sense the smell of drugs on the air. I could feel that they put a selang inside my vein to let in some nutritious liquid trough my blood. Then, I was fainted again.

During my unconscious, I could still hear the sounds of anyone who visited me. The sound I mostly heard was my husband. He was always there besides me. Though I couldn’t reply, he always talks to me. He read for me the newspaper, telling me funny stories he knows, brought me the knitting set I use to work with, and taking me to remember the time we had spent together. He said he loves me and he wanted me to get well soon and that we would start a new life together.

I was crying on my sleep. I wanted to answer him, saying that I love him and I am sorry for what I and Worry ness had done to his life. But I couldn’t move. I couldn’t say anything. But I could still open my eyes. And there, behind my husband, on the corner of the room, I saw a familiar face. The face was smiling. A strange cunning smile. It was Worry ness!!! She’s the one who made my life ended so miserably. She poisoned me with her dirty words, and I took those words. I decided, it was the time to finish everything off. I have to tell her to get out of my life, forever.

On the night, when my husband was already home, I call for Worry ness. She came right away, as if she knows that something gonna happen to her. Amazingly, when she came, I could easily move my body. I began to stand. My feet were very week since I spent most years lying in bed. After I face her, I said to her how evil she was, for destroying my life. I said that she would have to pay for every sorrow she brought me.

I began to slap her, I beat her up, I scratch her, and I pull her long hair and put her head against the floor. During my outburst emotion, Worry ness said nothing. She didn’t give any resistance. I said to her that she shouldn’t have destroyed me if she really cares for me. Than I took a long needle I use to wear when knitting. I poke the needle to her thigh again and again. Red-dark blood starts pouring down. I keep on sticking the needle to her body.

Then I took a scissor from my knitting set. I said to her she had to pay for every poisonous words she throw me. So I start to cut her lips. Blood was pouring trough my arm. And yet, there was no sound coming out of Worry ness. I said I hated the way she looked at me when I found her together with my husband during our first date. So I grabbed and snatch her left eye. I pulled her sticky eye ball from her skull. I showed her the eye ball, and I smash it into jelly with my feet in front of her.

Bloods were everywhere. But it wasn’t enough. I grab her head and began to knock it down to the oxygen tube near my bed. I put her face against the tube, over and over. Blood and pieces of flesh sparkled on the white bed sheet. I smiled coz I know I would never had to see her grinning face again since she wouldn’t got a face anymore.

Then I took again the needle and sticking it trough her belly. With the scissor, I ripped her belly and crushed every organ inside it. I felt pleasure when I did that. I keep on beating her until I was tired and I couldn’t move further. Then I rolled her body so I can see the damage I’ve made to her face. I looked at her long enough until I realize she was gone forever. I felt relieve. At last, my misery will end. No more stinking thoughts, no more suspicion, no more loneliness. I was free and I could finally started a new life with my husband.

Outside the room, trough the window, I could see the sun lights started to reach the entire earth. The lights were warm and comforting. It glows with golden and purple colors. It’s almost dawn.

* * *

I looked again at the stone. Although the sun almost comes entirely, I still couldn’t see the name on the stone clearly. Everytime I try to read it, there’s this mist on my eyes that makes my sight blurring. But it doesn’t mater for I know that it is Worry ness that lay under the stone. I look again at my wrist watch. A quarter to six. It’s my time. I will visit Worry ness again soon, so that I can show her my forever victory. Now that I have fully recovered, I can go to my husband and start a new life with him. I’ll go and see him tonight.

* * *

Two men are coming with a bucket of water on their hand. The one is older and the one is younger. They also bring some golok. Using the golok, they started to cut the grass and then pouring the water on the stone surfaces. They are cleaning the tombstone. One of the men, the younger one said, “Hey, this one is new. Just two days ago. And still young, only 25”. The older one reply,”Yeah, a quite strange case she was”. The younger one asks, “Strange? What happen? How did she die? Is she murdered? Or is she being rape?”

“Hoosh, watch your mouth! Nothing of those things you mentioned,” said the old one. And the old man continues, “They say they found her body on the floor of the hospital room where she was treated. Her condition was miserable. Her face was seriously damage. Her organs were cut into pieces and the room was full of blood.”

“So, she was murdered then?” asks the young man, astonished. The old man gives a deep sigh, and reply, “That was the strange part. They said the weapon that cause her life was left on the scene. It was only a scissor, a knitting-needle, and an oxygen tube. And all of the equipments were mark with her finger prints. No other print was found.”

“It’s a suicide then?” ask the young. “Well, nobody knows. Come on, stop idle-chattering and continue to work. We haven’t got all day,” said the old man.

So the two men continue to work. The rain has stopped entirely. The sun is shining brightly and warmly. It lights fall on top of the white-glowing tombstone those men were talking about. Under the bright light, the golden carved-words are as clear as the sky that morning. On top of the stone, the golden word goes:

Here lay beloved
Karina Anastasia Setyowandoro Anggara
Whose life were surrounded with laugh and happiness from her beloved one
They who grieve:
Raden Satria Anggara, husband
And all Setyowandoro families.
May her spirit rest in peace

Beberapa waktu belakangan ini, kira-kira 2-3 bulan belakangan, aku sempat kehilangan gairah hidup. Aku mogok mengerjakan skripsi, aku jarang makan, aku tidak bersosialisasi, dan mulai malas mencari pekerjaan. Dan saat aku tahu aku hamil, perasaan yang muncul bukannya kebahagiaan seperti yang katanya umum dirasakan perempuan-perempuan menikah yang mengetahui dirinya hamil. Aku justru merasa bingung, tertekan, dan stress.

Akibat kehamilan ini pula kegiatanku hampir semuanya mandeg. Karena mual sepanjang hari aku tidak dapat makan. Makanan yang masuk ke perutku semua kutumpahkan kembali. Skripsiku terbengkalai. Dan ditambah, pemikiran akan biaya untuk kontrol ke dokter dan persalinan membuat aku stress bukan main. Selain itu, tempat tinggalku waktu itu sangat tidak sehat untuk hidup, apalagi untuk membesarkan seorang bayi. Maka aku dan Ardian segera bikin planning untuk pindah rumah. Pilihan kami jatuhkan ke Depok dengn perhitungan akses internet dan kedekatan dengan kampus untuk mendukung pengerjaan skripsi. Dalam waktu satu minggu sejak mengetahui kehamilanku, kami sudha masuk ke rumah yang baru. Tentu saja, pemikiran akan biaya kepindahan ini juga membuat aku sempat stress.

Selanjutnya setelah pindah, aku hampir tidak ada kerjaan sama sekali. Namun aku tak kunjung juga mengerjakan skripsi. Aku merasa semua begitu salah. Rasa tidak nyaman yang kurasakan di tubuhku akibat kehamilan, rasa kesepian karena selalu sendirian di rumah, membuat aku semakin frustasi. Aku menjadi gloomy. Aku menangis setiap hari, tanpa Ardian tahu. Aku tak tahu apa yang kuinginkan. Mungkin aku tak ingin apapun. Aku tidak tahu. Aku seperti pelaut yang tersesat, kehilangan arah karena badai. Sejauh mata memandang hanya hujan dan petir, serta air laut yang mengamuk.

Aku coba mengatasinya dengan berpikir positif. Bahwa semua kegalauanku akan lewat. Bahwa setelah tiga bulan terlewati, tubuhku akan mulai beradaptasi dengan kehamilan yang tengah kujalani. Dan pemikiran ini ternyata, tidak membuahkan hasil. Aku tetap galau, risau, sedih, dan kecewa dengan semua yang ada.

Sampai…sampai…(bersambung)

Di depan Alfamart di dekat Stasiun Tebet, ada tukang jualan mie ayam gerobakan. Namanya Mie Ayam Pemuda. Mie ayamnya sederhana, tapi rasanya enak. Pertama, mie ayam ini kuah kaldunya jernih, juga potongan ayam yang digunakannya. Tidak seperti kebanyakan mie ayam yang menggunakan potongan leher dan kepala atau sayap ayam yang penuh dengan tulang untuk taburan ayam di atas mie, penjual mie ayam pemuda ini menggunakan daging ayam yang dicincang kecil-kecil sehingga saat digigit, yang akan ditangkap oleh gigi kita adalah daging, bukan melulu tulang leher ayam yang bikin nyangkut.

Kemudian, potongan daging ayam kecil-kecil yang digunakan penjualnya untuk taburan mie bukan dimasak semur kehitaman seperti umumnya tukang-tukang mie ayam gerobakan lainnya. Ayamnya dimasak kaldu, mungkin ditumis dengan bumbu sehingga rasanya gurih. Sangat cocok dengan mie keriting dan kuah bening yang disajikan dan jelas tidak bikin enek (kecuali makannya kebanyakan :p)

Mie ini biasa disajikan dengan pangsit rebus yang dalamnya diisi dengan potongan daging ayam kecil-kecil tadi, atau dengan beberapa butir bakso. Pangsitnya kecil dan tidak tebal, tapi terasa segar karena tidak diberi terlalu banyak bumbu dan tidak berminyak. Dan yang paling aku suka, mie ayam saja, satu mangkok penuh, tanpa pangsit dan bakso, bisa dibeli dengan duit 3500 rupiah ajah! Murah khan??? Dengan 3500 rupiah aja aku udah bisa kenyang!!! Huahahahahahahahahahaha….apa yang bisa lebih hebat dari ini?!?!!

Ketika browsing dan surfing dan nge-mailing (hm, apa ya istilahnya?), hal yang paling suka untuk saya lakukan adalah membaca tulisan-tulisan di blog teman-teman saya.

Saya suka membaca apa yang mereka tuangkan dalam tulisan. Ada yang bercerita tentang sahabat-sahabatnya, ada yang menulis pengalaman perjalanannya, ada yang membuat cerita fiksi, menulis puisi, curhat, ataupun sekedar mencopy lirik lagu yang mereka sukai.

Setiap kali saya membuka blog mereka, saya merasakan seperti menikmati sebuah buku kompilasi yang penulisnya adalah orang-orang yang saya kenal. Dan teman-teman saya adalah orang yang pandai menulis. Mereka tahu bagaimana membuat tulisan mengalir tanpa perlu merasa tersandung saat membacanya. Mereka juga tahu bagaimana berkisah tanpa harus menggurui, dan yang terpenting, mereka tahu bagaimana menampilkan apa yang mereka rasakan dalam tiap katanya.

Saya bisa tertawa terbahak-bahak, meringis kesakitan, ataupun termenung setelah membaca tulisan-tulisan mereka. Meski kesal karena Pak Zul baru bisa menyerahkan revisi hari Rabu (padahal jadwal pengumpulan terakhir hari Jumat), saya bisa ceria kembali setelah membaca Kontemplasi Julia Perez. Saya jadi ingin menulis tentang buku-buku yang menemani saya selama ini setelah membaca For The Good Books that Fly into My Hands.

Dan saya baru menyadari billing net saya sudah sampai dua digit…

Ada banyak hal yang kualami sejak aku menikah. Kebahagian bisa bersama dengan orang yang dicintai, senangnya bisa mengatur hidupmu sendiri, juga sulitnya berbagi hidup dengan orang lain. Lho, sulitnya berbagi hidup? Bukannya kamu berbagi hidupmu dengan orang yang kami cintai Dhanny? Well, mencintai bukan berarti bahwa dua orang yang berbeda tidak boleh tetap berbeda bukan?

Tentu saja, seperti pasangan-pasangan lainnya, saya dan Ardian juga mengalami masa-masa menyebalkan disamping manis-ceria. Namun disinilah saya merasakan benar-benar apa yang dimaksud berbagi hidup. Ada satu waktu dimana saya dan Ardian berkonflik dan saya menangis begitu lama, terus sesenggukkan dan hanya bisa menatap dia. Kemudian saya pergi mandi sambil terus sesenggukkan. Pedih rasanya saat kau harus berbeda pendapat dengan orang yang kau sayangi. Saat selesai mandi, saya mendatanginya dan saya terkejut saat menemukan ia sedang meneteskan air mata.

Saat itulah saya merasa lebih sakit lagi. Tak terbayangkan buat saya untuk menyusahkan dia, apalagi membuatnya menangis. Saya merasa begitu pedih, pedih sekali. Disinilah sekali lagi saya mengerti, bahwa saya sangat mencintai dia. Saya hanya menginginkan dia tersenyum, dia tertawa, dia makan banyak, dia gembira, dia tidur pulas, dan dia ceria.

Dan saya merangkulnya, turut menangis, seraya membisikkan kata, "Sayang…maafin aku yah…"

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
A television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far
I’ve got to break away
So take my hand now

Chorus
’cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

I’ve been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
There’s a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Chorus

Sometimes this life can get you down
It’s so confusing
There’s so many rules to follow
And I feel it
’cause I just run away in my mind

Superstars and cannonballs running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie
Which one is more human
There’s a thought now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand yeah

Repeat chorus to fade

by Martina McBride

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I’d still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You’re all i need
My love, my valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You’ve opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You’re all i need
My love, my valentine

La da da
Da da da da

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
Cuz all i need
Is you, my valentine

You’re all i need
My love, my valentine